No shizznits

This is definitely ripping me apart now. It feels all so wrong, we should not be doing this to each other. Not like this and not now.... I know there is "L" and I feel there is a lot of fear involved here too about a lot of things. Shit hurts balls.....this is no shizznit or a walk in the park for sure.

Keep it moving

Made it safe and sound from the land of the African continent. Back in this grimy place "we" call the "Detroit of Europe" also known as Berlin.

Since "a talk" has to be scheduled, in a way a sad concept here. But that's just how it is sometimes. I must wait to speak my mind and perhaps even keep some feelings on a 'leash' or what is that thing the dogs wear on their face called? Something like that.

In other news, the best thing to do is to focus on yourself and keep yourself busy. Life is serious like that. It is not a walk in the park though some beautiful things do happen. And that my friends is the most important thing in life. BUT do not lose track of what and who are important in your life is also key. You let people and things know that they are important and let it then go. You are are not alone making the decisions here. Thus then accepting the fact that sometimes moving on is the best thing to do.... is all then you can do.

When you know it then act upon it. With calmness and acceptance that you have had your  time and done what you believed in. This is life these days.

Basics.

To say it is not frustrating to hear that your grandparents do not have water for nearly 2 weeks is an understatement. Seeing disparity is nothing new of course, but no matter how rarely you see it, it does affect you. Like yesterday, it made me very sad and a bit angry. What are my biggest problems in Berlin ? Feeling insecure b/c of my own issues (and those imposed by others), getting a sense of being not welcomed in the city, feeling vulnerable in my own relationship that at times feels fragile to me, demanding too much of myself and searching for answers ? Those are minute issues aren't they....well they are at times.

It's great there is a 50th Anniversary of OAU/Africa's Unity going on in Ethiopia and Addis Ababa is hosting the event. But let's get real here, turning on the water first for your own people is more important than running propaganda TV segments which boast that every "African feels at home in Ethiopia." Pan-Africanism is a pretty idea, but there is a long way to go to achieve that. Because the reality is such that not every Ethiopian feels at home in Addis Ababa. To feel at home you should feel that you can have peace and security that at least your water, the basic unit of life will not be "turned off" for days! And as such in the capital of the country..........

Failing your own people and playing this game, that is often played in Africa and other non-Western countries (though the West has it's own games going on),  where the people are used as marionettes is dehumanizing and there is nothing that can produce pride as a result. This is still keeping people under the shackles from which Africa as a continent has been coming out off for decades.

Basics. Just the basics please. 

Bittersüß on Anniversary

I want to make a life for myself in Europe, primarily staring it here in Berlin.

Well I can actually say already that I have started one here and two days ago have already hit my 10th month anniversary. I can't believe it and can believe it all at the same time. One of my favorite German words is Bittersuess. Yes it is bittersweet to be here and even more importantly it is good to leave for a few weeks. To non other place than Africa.

I am content, overwhelmed and feeling alive. 

Revisiting again.....

How do you deal with an anxiety to book a flight on a trip that you must take due to several reasons? One possible solution is then to deal with your sleepless anxiety for several days, be not committed to booking anything as originally planned, and of course address it with your boyfriend saying that you need dire help.

After dealing with the issue as listed above, I finally caved in and told my bf that I need his help. Yes it was at around 1:00 AM and yes it was on a Saturday morning already when we both were tired after a long day and a quick trip to Potsdam for a Birthday celebration (disclaimer: no alcohol was involved). So here we were on our bed, bf on his laptop looking for flights, and then a sudden question "Why don't you go to Ethiopia instead, this is something you wanted for a while isn't it ?" After seeing how relatively inexpensive the ticket was, I said "yes." And this is how 4 days before I have to leave Berlin I will be finding myself flying to Ethiopia on Wednesday morning. 

Bigger things to have learned here are of course that life reveals itself in very interesting ways. I did not even flirt with an idea of a trip to Ethiopia right now (though I have struggled with the rightness of my decision of not going there instead of coming to Germany for a "life changing experience already 9 months ago") let alone in such a spontaneous way. But life is like that, it kind of drags you on through a little bit of mud to see if you can make it and then BAM if you survive this period, in a very random way it gives you something that you wanted and apparently it confirms that you actually needed it too. It's overwhelming I think, but also very indicative of how life really just rolls! You make a plan and it plans for you, you just gotta roll with it too.

So I duged out a picture from my old blog that  I posted before my trip to Ethiopia in 2011 (first time in 20 years of my life of not being there then) and now I make a different trip. Only two years later, for a longer period of time, and alone. This is not a family trip but a solo one. Anyways, I'm kind of rusty with thoughts at the moment so basically I just want to thank the universe and loved ones for revealing this trip for me now. It was very random how it came about but it is going to happen already on 2 days. 

I am seriously humbled and very open to whatever this trip will bring in to my life.

Thank you.

This is life - a goodnight message to self

I have so many thoughts in my head. It's overwhelming at times, but definitely feels good to put at least something out here. I'm thinking of the present and the future. How the now can shape the future. How I can be happy and how it would also feel to be happy and see things differently than they look now. I feel how now is so real and how perhaps it's time to say some things out loud so that my intention or vision of the possible future can be realized.

Also I mourned today with a dear friend. In a small moment perhaps which first started with a conversation and then a walk in the nature. However short of a moment it was precious and healing. I hope in both ways.

Two things to remember from today. Living life in the present and doing things today, not putting them aside for some day in the future, is true living. I will ask my friend to tell me in German once again how she put it so that I could memorize this and repeat as a mantra to self. Another thing to remember is this:


"Wenn du dir etwas ganz fest wuenschst lass es frei - nur dann kehrt es zu dir zurueck."

Yes it is all about living life in the present, embracing today and shaping the tomorrow while letting go of the things you really desire for the universe to grant it back to you. Of course this means to not just sit around and wait for things to happen to you. NO. We are responsible for making things happen in our life. 

Period and not the one at the end of a sentence

Is it really just me or some other women suffer from this crazy pre-period phase of complete mental meltdown ? I feel like my brain is having a hard time to just minutely function in a normal way. Needless to say I have had two hysterically crying moments this in the past couple of days already. One last night and one the day before... Sort of embarrassing to be this sensitive and vulnerable and share yourself with a partner at the same time. I'm sure he feels that I am a bit crazy or something, but this the price of being a girl. I really don't like this time of the month a tad bit.

While my brain is melting I have yet to book my flights to Ireland and potentially London. Fun especially when these things are done not out of will, but hey actually this might be a good thing. I think I need nature and definitely get out of Germany for a bit. I need a change of place, people, atmosphere, routine...everything. Also I realize how much I miss my parents and sister. Family, people I love and love me no matter what! I miss just being around their energy. Last week I was faced with a very negative situation dealing with a person who definitely does not follow the principle of:

“If you are good to people, people will be good to you.”

It shook me up, yes. The vileness of the behavior and the ill intentions that have been released for everyone to bare. Alas, some people are this way. But I am working on not being judgmental and rather forgiving and strong to stay truthful to myself and those who genuinely share their love.